Bad Uncle Martin

[cadd]

I'm intrigued, creakyknees. We're your friends and we have a right to know.

[SCL]

Bump!


I don't know what you're talking about but i'm intrigued now!

PS Cadd, your compilation is stuck in my CD player now - tis great - there's loads of new stuff for me on there, I still skip over the unpleasant shock of no 2 shoutyness everytime tho!!!

[John Brainlove]

The phrase "Bad Uncle Martin" reminds me of Patrick Wolf's childcatcher for some reason creepy. Like my friend's band that was called "Uncle Bighands". Although that was quite funny too.

[creakyknees]

Hmm I cannot remember what thread I referred to my Bad Uncle Martin in.

He is old, I still call him that my kids call him that, he's the nearest I have to a dad.

He's great and the most outrageous person I know, he still does outrageous things and has, I think, called Jeffrey Archer a 'little shit' at some political function he was at where he also was present, (this was before it was proven in law that Archer was indeed 'a little shit')
He is not a politician, I hasten to add.
He also knew of Archer as a boy 'he was a little turd then too' in Weston Super Mare.

He has done many outrageous sometimes illegal stunts(never really imoral just outrageous, and more to demonstrate a flaunting of what we really can do, compared with how we aquiesce).

Perhaps he needs a book, written about him.
Or is it just the drink?

[tafkac]

John said:

The phrase "Bad Uncle Martin" reminds me of Patrick Wolf's childcatcher for some reason creepy. Like my friend's band that was called "Uncle Bighands". Although that was quite funny too.

Uncle Bighands is an amazing name for a band. I think I might actually want to be called it myself (despite having quite small hands). How much does deed poll cost nowadays?

[John Brainlove]

You want it? It's yours! they are called something shit now anyway. I would like an Uncle Bighands T-shirt. Will you be having merchandise?

[creakyknees]

Since you asked I will describe my Bad Uncle Martin,
I have already mentioned one annecdote to Cadd in PM cos I didn't think I should mention it in public.

Bad Uncle Martin Is Irish but has a plummy english accent like Lesley Philips, he can do polite etiquette with the upper crust or get down and dirty at the local.
The last time I saw Bad Uncle Martin was at my brothers wedding, he'd hired a country house kind of thingy. It was the swankiest place I'd been to.

I was worried that my clothes might not have been traditionally posh enough. Bad Uncle Martin had offered to lend me some shirt or jacket on the phone.

The creaky's arrived at the country house hotel thingy and we were shown to our posh enormous room, within 10 minutes of arriving and starting to freshen after a 3 hour drive, the phone went. It was B.U.M. who told me to come to his room for the shirt.
I asked a young bloke who worked there where the room was and he insisted on taking me there insisting on knocking on the door for me and then having to sheild his eyes when the door opened.
Bad Uncle Martin himself had only been there for half an hour, but there he was resplendant in his Y fronts (like tod unctious), a pint in one hand (always a dimpled glass), fag in the other, fat smile on his face, new philipinno wife naked in the bed, he had obviously engineered me going round just to say "I've still got it as a pensioner".

By the way although the much younger philippino wife bit may seem unsavoury, but it isn't, he is quite capable of chatting up english girls, whenever we go to a pub and there is a nice barmaid, he will often smirk after he has brought a round, revealing that he has managed to get her phone number. B.U.M. is quite charming and has always had a succession of beautiful women, he had recently been left by his partner of many years, (she looked like Diana Ross) he had recently discovered the joys of dating via the internet and was zooming off to all parts of the country to get laid.
Prior to meeting his latest wife he had had a falling out with this woman he had met over the internet on a train journey back from switzerland, unperturbed he managed to chat up a belly dancer from Barcelona on the train, he changed girlfreinds without changing trains. He is one of those people who always seems to fall on his feet.

He is charming, disarming and will chat up absolutely everybody men women children, so he gets away with murder.

At this wedding whilst all the guests were waiting for the bride and groom for ages, he and his wife sat down behind us, next to a couple that were strangers, I soon became aware that he was chatting this woman up, the womans husband was looking slightly annoyed as was my uncles new wife, a few minutes later I realised to my horror that both my uncle and this woman had dissappeared (we were still waiting for the Bride and groom) obviously no-one else would dare stir from their seats.
A short while later they appeared, "just rushed to get my camera" announced my uncle breathlessly. I knew what had happened as had Mrs Knees, I think everyone else chose not to believe it.

Because the staff were all fairly young during the banquetting I did offer the manager my assistance, were they to need to admonish my uncle, they replied, "you mean the gentleman in the white jacket, dont worry sir he seems to be quite calm now, we are monitoring him, he's in the grounds chasing the peacocks" and so he was with a whiskey and cigar. They had put a 'tail' on him as well as monitoring him on cctv.

He had gone behind the bar earlier and poured me a half pint of armagnac, the staff gently took the glass and pointed out that he was using the wrong glass.

Later as he was strolling with another lady, glass in hand, looking every inch the aristocratic diplomat, he couldn't keep his eyes off her, hence he walked face first slap bang into a door jamb (Johnny English stylee).

I would like to point out that he is never less than scrupiously polite to any staff, and always makes sure they don't get into trouble for anything that he does.

[bamos]

I have never EVER wanted to meet one person so much in my entire life.

[Monpot]

Wish I had a Bad Uncle.

[Tom-From-Sparks]

He reminds me of that Lord bloke in the Fast Show who keeps chasing young women.

"Me, in the sixth form girls dorms at midnight"

"With my reputation.... Wahay!"

[Durutti]

Creaky has just described Peter O'Toole, hasn't he?

[creakyknees]

There is so, so much more. I will post another annecdote next week.

He is indeed like the bloke from the Fast show, Peter O Toole, Keith Floyd e.t.c.

Where is SCL's pub?

[Tom-From-Sparks]

If he went to SCL's pub what would be chances of him trying it on with her?

Could be an intresting story there.

[creakyknees]

That was the idea.












ould to.

[cadd]

Absolutely brilliant, creaky, I'm really glad I coaxed you into this

I've got a Bad Uncle Gordon, B.U.G, you've got B.U.M.

Gordon isn't a patch on Martin though. Gordon's the 50 year old eternal teenager.

He did a runner to London to escape my mum after he lost my 3 year old brother in one of Glasgows larger parks. He got caught on the train trying to gain access to the mail carriage.

He was going out with a nutter in the hellhole where I had the burglary and fires. He wouldn't give her junkie sister money and was stabbed 7 times in the back by some of her mates, punctured lungs and permanent heart damage.

He's a Tennents Super Lager man, you can tell which benches he frequented in afore mentioned park because they had the names and dates of popes carved into them in order, from the beginning.

He fell asleep with food on. My mates dad and another passer by rescued him when the windows exploded when they were walking by. He was totally frazzled, Freddie Kruger hands, face, etc.

He conned the health services into giving him a kidney transplant last year and was back on the booze the day after he got out.

I like him but he's wasted his life with booze, a family trait on my dads side.