Bad Uncle Martin

[John Brainlove]

Bad Uncle Martin is my new hero. I wanna be like him when I'm old.
Incorrigible.

[Smileadelic]

I think this man is becoming Brainforum's patron saint ;D

[creakyknees]

In the 70's there were regular periods in my teenage life when Bad Uncle Martin was banned from seeing me by my mum.
He saw it as his duty to make sure that I didn't grow up 'too soft' and teach me the facts of life, cos of just having my mums 'namby pamby' influence, this led to many falling outs.

Here is one of the incidents that led to one banning.

I was about 13, my Great Aunts Doris and Vera who lived a spinsterly and pure life together, had come up from London.
B.U.M. was then married to Bad Auntie C (she was one of those models that used to be draped over cars at motor shows, she had a brain as well though cos she went on to run a model agency)

The Great Aunts, B.U.M. his wife, my mum and I were all squished into his car after a day trip,
he obviously had not had enough attention, cos without warning he said we all needed some drinks and against the everyones wishes he suddenly swerved into a country pubs car park.

He got out and told me to, I managed to escape from my mums clutches and emerged, all the women stayed in the car, maybe they vainly thought that this would make him get back in, (or at least give them justification to get angry if he didn't)

I must digress here to reveal that Bad Aunty C was a beautiful but fearsome woman with a very hot temper, who could well hold her own e.g. he had had about 30 car crashes she had had 18, she also liked drinks and men and could throw a mean punch.
My mum is quite puritanical and also could loose her temper easily, although she used her frost making super power rather than physical strength.

Uncle Martin went into the pub to get the drinks and brought me out a triple scotch (we were within earshot of the carful of seething women) "oh I've left something in the pub hang on barry" he emerged with his pint of bitter (in dimpled glass) and a couple of young women, "Barry, this is Helga, she is swedish" he said holding the blonde, "and these" he added grasping them firmly but gently "are boobs", at this point there were several eruptions.
Me spitting out my whiskey (I just couldn't believe he would do that in front of everyone), Auntie Vera having an episode in the car, BAC screaming "MARTIN", my mum having a choking fit as she and BAC burst from the car, my uncle stared at me, smiling cheekily, quickly downing as much of his pint as he could before both he and I were dragged away from the pub by wife and mum respectively screaming at us, quite an audiance from the pub laughed appreciatively which made the wife/mum madder. Great Auntie Doris was as white as a sheet although I suspect that she was glad at having to attend to poor old great Auntie Vera.

[Tom-From-Sparks]

What a legend.

He's become my new rolemodel....

[Wiggles]

Bad Uncle Martin for Pope! Let's get him canonised.

[creakyknees]

He wasn't all good, he made me go 20 ft up a chimney

[Tom-From-Sparks]

If you don't mind me asking Creaky, what for?

[Wiggles]

creakyknees said:

He wasn't all good, he made me go 20 ft up a chimney

In case you didn't notice, the last pope wasn't all good

[creakyknees]

well he lived out in the country in an old house, he wanted to do some alterations to his property, he needed to know whether one wall was supporting anything, it was an old style fire place which had a very narrow bit just above the fire up to about 6 foot, this then sloped at an angle into a wierd bigger shape. He made me go up cos I was small and 11 or 12. I got to the top of this slope and I felt of cos I could get out but then the silly bastard poked himself up as far as he could with a lamp grinning up at me he suddenly realised he was stuck....that worried me cos then you start to get claustrophobic, I had tested the theory that he was only winding me up by, accidentally on purpose dislodging great balls of soot and seeing them roll towards his face, all he could do was close his eyes and mouth as they rolled inexorably towards him and exploded softly 'poof' against him (he couldn't move his arms) it took him about half an hour to get unstuck,
I do not know if it was true (cos I couldn't hear) that my mum came into the room and said "Martin what are you doing up there?" He replied "Its Barry he's gone up the chimney and I'm trying to get him out"

.

[Darcy]

B.U.M needs his on TV Show!

The Adventures of BUM!

[John Brainlove]

Careful, I'm not sure how Bamos would feel about you having BUM adventures that don't involve him.

[Smileadelic]

John said:

Careful, I'm not sure how Bamos would feel about you having BUM adventures that don't involve him.

Oh man... this place never fails to brighten my day ;D

[creakyknees]

I should maybe put this in the Driving thread?

My first driving lesson was when I was 14, driving a renault 16 belonging to Bad Uncle Martin.

No practicing round supermarket car parks or quiet estate roads first, no, straight out on an A road at 50 mph, in a rubbishy poxy renault 16 with its horrible steering column stick gear change.

The front passenger seat was empty, he sat in the back seats. I think his idea was just chuck someone in the deep end, they will sink or swim.

[creakyknees]

Whilst in B.U.M.s car he would occasionally stop the car bizarrely and for no apparent reason decar,
it would be to grab something that he saw that might be useful, like a cabbage growing in a field, for dinner.

[John Brainlove]

Why do a feel nostalgic hearing about BUM's every-day sort of genius? I didn't even no he existed until a few days ago but it seems all sepia tinted talking about the BUM glory days...